Bed

This is the view from bed, my current haven, my port in the storm. It's unusual for me to go to bed mid-afternoon, but I'm hiding out. You see, I'm just not up to having company, even though I love these people dearly.

It's been a hard week. Getting my arms around my parents' finances, sending powers-of-attorney so that people will talk to me. Then Thursday's family meeting with the doctor to discuss what's next for Dad, what this next stage of life might look like. Being told that he won't be able to shower alone anymore, and that help will be needed morning and evening for the basics of dressing and getting ready for bed. We really knew that, but it was still hard to hear it verbalized. Although Dad's eyes rolled impressively, he didn't argue.

So I'm lying on the bed, looking at the serene, blue-green wall. The fan hums and blows a gentle breeze of air-conditioning over me, just enough to keep the humidity at bay. I love the photos - similar because they are black and white, similar because the images are square. At the foot of the bed is my sew-as-you-go quilt from Melissa. It's a grown-up version of a blankie and holds a strange and wonderful comfort.

"Masquerading as a normal person day after day is exhausting," wrote Anonymous. It certainly is. I've always felt younger than I am - until now. A boy told me four years ago that I had "child-like eyes for an old person", and if eyes are a mirror of the soul, he nailed it. Suddenly I am grown up and I'm not sure I like it. The little girl inside is ramming around, banging into adult me, and it hurts.

Then there's the Beach House. This is me at nineteen, on a sunny, wintry day at Oval Beach. Hands jammed into my pockets against the cold, gazing seriously into the camera, shadow pointing toward the frozen Lake Michigan waves. It captures the loneliness and isolation I feel today, enveloped in sadness and fear as I give loving care to my parents.

And finally, the promise of God. "You will be like a well-watered garden..." Isaiah 58:11

I don't know how or when - but grant it, Lord.