Monday, May 19, 2014

he's.back.exclamation!

I told Bruce he had to stop the car and let me out.

Because I saw Don standing by the AFC house.

He's back.

***

This was my challenge awhile ago, to learn the names of the men and women who sit on plastic molded lawn chairs on the front porch of the Victorian house around the corner. Because when the Pharisee asks, "Who is my neighbor?" it smacks of being nice only to those who are like me.

I felt a little scared at first. I started with saying "Hi" and smiling when I saw Don on the sidewalk. Sometimes he shuffled with his head down as if counting the cracks in the sidewalk. Other times he was dressed in a heavy coat despite the warmer weather, carrying a stack of folded clothes.

One day I said, "Hi, my name is Susan - what's yours?"

We never had a long conversation but I learned that he walks to the Clark station every morning for a large bottle of Pepsi. His thick winter hat was knitted by his sister-in-law, Toni. And he really enjoyed the big canister of assorted popcorn that I gave him for Christmas.

One day, he was gone.

And the next day. And the next.

As days turned into weeks, then months, I wondered and prayed. "Dear God, please keep Don safe. Please help him wherever he is."

***

Bruce stopped the car. I got out and ran down the block.

"Don, it's Susan! I'm so glad you're back!"

Ah, so good to shake the hand of my friend and see his smile again.

He had been in the hospital, and when I told him I'd prayed for him, he said he thought that probably helped.

As I turned to leave, Richard shouted from the park across the street, "HI BARBARA!"

But that's a story for another day.

Thanks, God, for bringing Don back. Let me bring Your light to him.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Now.it's.you

It's strange, grief.

He looked me in the eye and said, "He's gone. Now it's you."

I felt the catch of breath and filling of tears. Three words. "Now it's you."

It's the weight I've felt, the sense of responsibility for leading the family even before he died. It came with taking on their bill paying, advocating for him during hospitalizations, watching to be sure that she wasn't overdoing it in her role as caregiver.

It never felt right from the sense that the roles flipped. Parent became child and child, parent.

It was right, though. It was love in action, and who better than his child to love him in that way? Who better than his wife to love him through the final years?

With my birthday coming, I feel the loss more acutely. On the gray, drizzling Tuesday one week out, I cried most of the way to work.

It's this simple: he's the guy who witnessed my first day in this world. He's the guy who taught me to ride a bike. He's the guy who was proud of me, who I could always count on. He's the guy who told me it was the best sermon he'd ever heard preached, the day I first spoke at church. He's the guy who came to hear me again last summer, when he was so exhausted from the debilitating illness that he didn't think he could make the 45-minute trip.

And he's the guy who always sang "Happy Birthday" with Mom on my birthday, his tenor harmonizing with her soprano - giving his dry comment, "There she goes" when she dissolved in tears partway through.

This year, there will just be a sweet soprano.

And someday there won't be a sweet soprano. (Though I hope that's a long time in the future.)

Then it will be fully true.

"Now it's me."

Friday, May 16, 2014

mothers.day.

(Brief thoughts originally posted on FB)

I'm not a birth mom. And it's Mother's Day.

I've been blessed through the years by women who shared their children with me…To name just a few... Patty Reitzel shared her son, Jonathan Reitzel as well as her other children. I have many memories of time spent with Jon… Marilyn Hendricks shared her daughter, Sharon Mbabazi, now grown up, a dear friend and soul sister. By marriage, I have the stepsons I dearly love - Jef, Phil, Jerry. And their wives - Sara, Katharine, Candice Norcross. My sister-in-law, Deborah Zimmerman loans the BoyzZ out (it's a win-win for all, as she gains adult time with my brother). And of course, now I add Katharine Szabla-Fennema who entrusts us with Charlie!

These are just a very few… And so I offer this witness to say that God has fulfilled his word. He has given me children - children of my heart.

For those of you who are longing for children… May God bring you the birth children - but may you also have eyes open wide to see the children of your heart.