Sunday, January 27, 2008

running and thoughts of a baby who died

Lots of thoughts as I ran today...

How running in the snow requires such determination... Not just to overcome the cold or the excuses to stay in the warm house, but to take one stride and then another. Slipping and sliding, seems like more sideways than forward progress. But forward I go nonetheless. And when I am done, I know that I have kept a commitment to myself, and that is important.

While I was running today, I spent time praying for Melissa. Losing a baby 8-1/2 months into her pregnancy, two weeks before her due date. There's no way to imagine what she is experiencing.

I began to knit the baby a hat today, a remembrance hat in memory of a baby she has lived with for all these months, but will not get to know on this earth. It is of the softest, most luxurious white mohair, and I prayed through each stitch. Peace, comfort, strength, hope, healing, love, mercy. Simple words. Sometimes just "Jesus". I think about how we don't know what to say when a baby dies. There really aren't any answers, no making sense of it. I believe that God is good, and that He is love. So again I pray peace, comfort, strength, hope. I think that I am knitting this hat to say that this baby is a life that must be acknowledged, though there was no breath, and death occurred before birth. It's my silent way of saying, I will remember.

Running in the snow reminds me of grief. Moving ahead, but suddenly a sideways slip, a sudden stop. Maybe even falling down. Yet eventually coming through.