failure

I knew the answer before they even gave it to me.

It was like the boss that fired me. He began by telling me how wonderful I was, what a good worker, etc. (I pretty much told him to stop with the compliments and get to the point.) These guys told me how knowledgeable I am, how physically in shape I am--both qualities necessary for the rigorous training delivery.I could hear the "but" coming...

What's up with people who deliver disappointing news by leading with a bunch of compliments, anyway? Like I'm supposed to believe that they care about me as a person, that they truly think I'm wonderful?! You have got to be kidding me! Next thing they'll be trying to sell me property west of Holland, Michigan.

I'm not sure what makes me more angry--the fact that after I called, e-mailed, and called them again, waiting for weeks--that I didn't get the answer I hoped for? Or that I had to call them, instead of them having the courage and courtesy to call me? Was it the preliminary b-s about how my holidays were, and how wonderful I am? Don't waste any more of my precious time!

It all boils down to failure. Being judged and found wanting. There's nothing that takes away that pain--even though I wrote in my journal this morning that if I had 30 days to live, I would not choose to spend my time with these particular people. And I meant it. I do not have time for arrogance.

How to process the sense of failure and move on? Being angry with them doesn't hurt them at all. They're pressing on with their steamroller of self-satisfaction. Being angry with myself is not the solution, either.

Well. I think I'll go knit or something. Maybe the answer will come to me there.