open. close.

I think I have decided. It's time to lay it down.

Doors open and close for a reason. I'm not quite sure why this one opened, or why I feel compelled to close it.

I wanted to become a Dale Carnegie instructor, and put it on my "blue sky" prayer drawing. And seemingly out of the blue, within a month, I got a call asking if I would be interested. Excitement! Thrill!

Stepping through the open door was exhilarating; going to preliminary training was energizing.

The reality of the first conference weekend brought me to a crashing halt. Who was in charge? The leaders were discussing alternatives in a philosophical fashion. Expectations were not clear. I'm not a quitter, damn it. So I pressed on, only to be told (after relentless follow-up) that I needed (drum roll, please) - more training.

Disappointment, sure. But I'm not a quitter.

I signed up to coach with my sponsor, and he generously gave opportunity for me to run parts of the weekly sessions. And invited me to coach with him at a training this summer.

There's a sense that all is not well, however. The coaching that I expected to receive isn't forthcoming. He is involved in building the other part of his business. The focus this past week was on praising the other coaches; and recruiting coaches for the next session. The invitation for me to participate was conspicuously absent.

I'm not a quitter, but I want to quit.

My husband says, "Wait". If this session finishes and I am not invited to go further, that is an answer. Oh, waiting is difficult.

My friend put it well yesterday. She gently said that it seems to be stressful for me, and that I'm scrapping. Scrapping in the sense of trying to prove that I can do it.

Ah, friendship. To have someone who knows and loves me; a person who calls forth what has been swirling in my thoughts for the past few weeks.

It's true. Ever since "they" told me I needed more training, I was on it, ready to prove them wrong, ready to tackle any requirement they put on me. But think about it - why? Why prove them wrong? What is wrong with them being right, with me not being ready or good enough or whatever? I'm letting an insignificant failure define me; I'm giving "them" the power. I don't measure up to their standards, and so what?

How much more energy am I willing to devote to fruitless struggle with an uncertain outcome? Why not step back into the volunteer coaching role where I excel - where I have fun - where there is zero pressure?

Why don't I close the damn door this time?