Sit

 Sit with Me, child. 

But God, I’m too anxious to sit. 

Sit with Me, child. 

But God, surely there is 

     something to do

     somewhere to go

     someone who…

Sit with Me, child.  

You are the someone.  

Sit with Me.  

Stay with Me.  

Let yourself be loved. 

Let yourself be... 

     

ER Sit 10/18/19

9:15 a.m. phone call at work. (My last day with my employer before starting a new position elsewhere.)

Mom was being taken to the emergency room. After calling my manager to see if she would extend my last day with the company to October 21, I drove to the hospital.

She was awake and aware, and expressed guilt about interrupting my workday.

What could be more important than this?

A-fib and low blood pressure. A tricky medical situation that scored us a room in ICU. Not at all what I expected.

Jewels

My mom strings her memories on a figurative necklace, and I continue the tradition.

The jewels of 2015 included:

January
We visited our dear friends, Sharon and Michael Mbabazi, in Uganda. Time spent in homes of their friends and family, worship and commissioning service at Deliverance Church Mukono, and a three-day safari to Paraa Lodge in northwest Uganda made it the perfect way to learn about the culture and beauty of this African nation. God gave us a rainbow at Murchison Falls National Park.

July

I had the opportunity to spend several days in Colorado with my sisters-in-law. We had daily devotions together, relaxing on the deck. We laughed and cried as we talked about what God has been doing in our lives. How gracious God is to give me seven beautiful sisters in Christ! And who could forget the HATS at Glen Eyrie teatime?

August
We welcomed our third grandchild, Elizabeth Lynn.

October
My oldest nephew, Noah Alexander, helped me finish my first marathon. Couldn't have made it without Bruce, Jerry, Jef, Sara, Lizzy, Phil, Katie, Charlie and Allie cheering me on at the 17-mile mark! (Thanks, Jerry, for the sign - "Eats miles for breakfast!" It's a long way to run for a banana.)

he's.back.exclamation!

I told Bruce he had to stop the car and let me out.

Because I saw Don standing by the AFC house.

He's back.

***

This was my challenge awhile ago, to learn the names of the men and women who sit on plastic molded lawn chairs on the front porch of the Victorian house around the corner. Because when the Pharisee asks, "Who is my neighbor?" it smacks of being nice only to those who are like me.

I felt a little scared at first. I started with saying "Hi" and smiling when I saw Don on the sidewalk. Sometimes he shuffled with his head down as if counting the cracks in the sidewalk. Other times he was dressed in a heavy coat despite the warmer weather, carrying a stack of folded clothes.

One day I said, "Hi, my name is Susan - what's yours?"

We never had a long conversation but I learned that he walks to the Clark station every morning for a large bottle of Pepsi. His thick winter hat was knitted by his sister-in-law, Toni. And he really enjoyed the big canister of assorted popcorn that I gave him for Christmas.

One day, he was gone.

And the next day. And the next.

As days turned into weeks, then months, I wondered and prayed. "Dear God, please keep Don safe. Please help him wherever he is."

***

Bruce stopped the car. I got out and ran down the block.

"Don, it's Susan! I'm so glad you're back!"

Ah, so good to shake the hand of my friend and see his smile again.

He had been in the hospital, and when I told him I'd prayed for him, he said he thought that probably helped.

As I turned to leave, Richard shouted from the park across the street, "HI BARBARA!"

But that's a story for another day.

Thanks, God, for bringing Don back. Let me bring Your light to him.

Now.it's.you

It's strange, grief.

He looked me in the eye and said, "He's gone. Now it's you."

I felt the catch of breath and filling of tears. Three words. "Now it's you."

It's the weight I've felt, the sense of responsibility for leading the family even before he died. It came with taking on their bill paying, advocating for him during hospitalizations, watching to be sure that she wasn't overdoing it in her role as caregiver.

It never felt right from the sense that the roles flipped. Parent became child and child, parent.

It was right, though. It was love in action, and who better than his child to love him in that way? Who better than his wife to love him through the final years?

With my birthday coming, I feel the loss more acutely. On the gray, drizzling Tuesday one week out, I cried most of the way to work.

It's this simple: he's the guy who witnessed my first day in this world. He's the guy who taught me to ride a bike. He's the guy who was proud of me, who I could always count on. He's the guy who told me it was the best sermon he'd ever heard preached, the day I first spoke at church. He's the guy who came to hear me again last summer, when he was so exhausted from the debilitating illness that he didn't think he could make the 45-minute trip.

And he's the guy who always sang "Happy Birthday" with Mom on my birthday, his tenor harmonizing with her soprano - giving his dry comment, "There she goes" when she dissolved in tears partway through.

This year, there will just be a sweet soprano.

And someday there won't be a sweet soprano. (Though I hope that's a long time in the future.)

Then it will be fully true.

"Now it's me."

mothers.day.

(Brief thoughts originally posted on FB)

I'm not a birth mom. And it's Mother's Day.

I've been blessed through the years by women who shared their children with me…To name just a few... Patty Reitzel shared her son, Jonathan Reitzel as well as her other children. I have many memories of time spent with Jon… Marilyn Hendricks shared her daughter, Sharon Mbabazi, now grown up, a dear friend and soul sister. By marriage, I have the stepsons I dearly love - Jef, Phil, Jerry. And their wives - Sara, Katharine, Candice Norcross. My sister-in-law, Deborah Zimmerman loans the BoyzZ out (it's a win-win for all, as she gains adult time with my brother). And of course, now I add Katharine Szabla-Fennema who entrusts us with Charlie!

These are just a very few… And so I offer this witness to say that God has fulfilled his word. He has given me children - children of my heart.

For those of you who are longing for children… May God bring you the birth children - but may you also have eyes open wide to see the children of your heart.

Noah.The Movie.

Sadness. That's what I've carried this week after leaving the movie, "Noah", before it ended. (There was more going on with me that just a bad movie, but that's for another post.)

The essential message of the Bible account was lost somewhere between the gigantic stone fallen angels and the evil king, Tubal-Cain, hacking his way into the ark to stow away.

The movie's message was: God wanted to destroy mankind because of its evil behavior and return the earth to the animals because of their purity and innocence. Noah tells his sons that each will in turn bury the elder folk until Japheth alone remains - until he, too, dies.

The Bible account is about three pages (not burdensome to read and study) - and while the moviemaker needed to fill in the gaps to make a two-hour movie, it's difficult to understand how it went so far off track. Had it been billed as a science fiction or action movie, I would not have these issues, but pretending that the movie is a historical account? Let's tell the story that God tells.

God wanted to destroy mankind because of its evil behavior. Genesis 6:6-7

God was sad about this and found a righteous person and his family to save. Genesis 6:8-10

God instructed Noah to build an ark, and brought Noah, his family (including his wife, sons and their wives), and the animals into it. Genesis 7:11-16

God makes the water recede and then blesses Noah and his sons, and places the earth under their authority. Genesis 9:1-2

God makes a covenant with Noah that He will never again destroy the earth with a flood. Genesis 9:12-17

That's good news. We can count this all joy.