catch

Fill in the blanks. Repeat the sounding _ _ _.

No worries, you'll quickly figure it out.

It's been a week, as they say. 

A catch in my throat as my dad and I walked through the parking garage. The realization that all these years walking together, whether physically or spiritually, are drawing to a temporary end.

A catch in my heart as I heard sharp words with listening ears and spirit. The power of life and death is in the tongue.

A catch, an ache, in my grasping hands, so unwilling at times to let go of my desires and let God - what? Catch me in His strong arms.

In this, the season of _ _ _, sadness.

But then... Running late for work, right in front of me as I stopped at the corner - this. I turned and drove away. I was late, after all. (How often do I turn from the joy in front of me?) I turned the car around and went back. Joy.

 And then... Buying a few gifts at the busy shopping mall, taking the bag from the sales clerk... and there it is again! Joy.

That evening, I sat and began browsing through a magazine. OK, now this is really getting obvious. Seriously? In a Special K advertisement? Joy.

 A smack in the face, WHAT WILL YOU gain WHEN YOU LOSE? What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?, my friend had said that very morning.  (Mt. 16:26)

 What will help you let go of this particular desire? she asked.

I'll write a letter to God, I answered, and seal it up in an envelope as a tangible reminder that I am giving it to Him and even if I have to carry it around from room to room, I will!

I wrote the letter. It's a messy letter, full of emotion and cries for help. That makes it a psalm of sorts, honest, raw, up-and-down. I spend far too much time trying to hide the fact that I'm naked in front of God, clothing myself with I'm (okay, strong, competent) when I AM sees right through me. (And loves me anyway? The Bible tells me so.)

The letter is boxed and gift-wrapped. There is a lot of tape involved (my usual modus operandi with gifts). In this case, strangely symbolic - don't pick at it, don't peek - leave it in His world-creating hands. Then, a sense that I needed to adorn it. With a tissue paper flower. I don't remember making tissue paper flowers before, so off to the computer (what did we do without eHow?) - and here it is:

My husband said, "Ooh! What is it?" When I explained, he asked when I would open it. When the situation resolves, I said. But now, I realize that the answer is - when God tells me it's okay to unwrap it.

Several times I woke during the night, obsession about the situation poking hard at my mind, this desire that I placed in God's hands. Instead, I pictured the box holding my dream, wrapped tight and sealed. In God's hands. No, I gave this to God, I thought. And returned to sleep.

It's a tangled mess these blog-thoughts. The message? If I cling too hard to "gain", I lose. I grasp fearfully (my will be done). The result? Exhaustion, discouragement, desperation.

The signs this week have pointed to joy. Your will, not mine. (Luke 22:42) The path to joy.

Jesus, for the joy set before Him, endured the cross... (Hebrews 12:2)

Joy to the world, the Lord is come...

Repeat the sounding joy,

Repeat the sounding joy

Repeat, repeat the sounding joy.

As I pray for Your will, God, may I catch joy - and be contagious!